Where were you when I wanted to be? Where were you when I rose up and said “I am here?” Were you in me? Were you in my cry? Were you in the day of my appearing?

 For I rose up with men of ancient day and I said “I will show you a mystery.” I waited and showed them a man who would do the following.

He would create fusion as a child. He would create men who would follow him to hell. He would live a life of misery. He would find treasure almost weekly and live in great joy. He would be a man who had no one to hold. He would hold the Joy of the Lord. He would hold the Wisdom of God. He would hold the Sea and Time. He would carry Satan as a child and wear him out as an old man. He would bear the sea and time. He would carry men to the grave and yet never touch one.

He was a man unlike you who are here reading this. He was a man who loved. He was a man who cared. He was a man. In plain truth he grew up in poverty. He lived in misery. He was a wise man in his youth. He was youthful in his way. He loved and yet few returned it. He failed and yet no one listened to his failure. He rode upon street of gold and never knew it.

He was a man who had friends by the hundreds and yet no one knew him. He wrote hundreds of people yet few ever returned a letter. He cared for the soul as no man had yet he lived. And so that is the way of me. I am the Sha of me. I am the  man who writes this to you. I am this man. I am the one man who writes with knowledge. I was born without understanding yet I write with it. I care for those who have little yet I have much. I rise up with dawn and yet each day I sleep. I care for the same men who are here and yet I am a friend.

In some ways I was like God because God said I had ultimate faith. I rose up in dreams with him and shared Eden with his strength. I carried the gate to the plumb and threw it out of alignment. Yet in all these things I did not see the life I had been promised. I rose up to grace Heaven so Peter called me Steed. Yet I carried with me the thief. One and two so that I was chased from Heaven with them. I was cared for by God in a hospital in Heaven yet of those who sat on my bed only one loved. She cared for me when I was young but was hated by those who loved. She wasn’t your name or your way but she was called witch and hater of souls. She was called an opposite to Satan. She was Joy but she didn’t know that. She was life but she didn’t know it. She was hope but she didn’t know. In all things she was right to call me weird. For I was strange. I had conquered the enemies of God and yet I had not met one I liked. I did not know them as friend. I did not call them loved one. I just hated.

And so I became sty to their first pain. I became hurt to their cry. I became sorrow to their hurt. I was not the man they wanted in charge of them. I overcame the demon world. I fought with evil. I overcame it all the way to the Q and the Q was the cue of a new realm. It was created with God by Wisdom. Wisdom saw me and loved me. Yet she wept because I was a broken man.

I guess in all this I was a man. I loved God and yet I took from him one thing. That is I took the word he wanted to give. I took it and grew it and prospered it but I did not give him all the glory due his name. I was an evil spirited man and I grew up in a church. I became evil in my way and evil in my desire. I became evil until I was filled. And then God saw me and had pity. For evil was sickness and evil was disease. And the fact I took the word he wanted to give me is true. He wanted to give me the truth of it. He wanted to give me healing. He wanted to take me out of pain and misery. Yet He who was God kept me in bondage. I was born like Moses but could not escape the cut to my head. I was born like Noah but could not become the ark he desired. I was born like men of old but they did not know me. Only of all of them one might have seen me and that was Daniel. He wrote of me in his prophecy and he carried me into time. I became the mouth of time. I became the sea of it. I was the one man who overcame all things. And yet it was God who held and helped me.

I did not care that men were ignorant of me. I did not care they could not see me. I only cared when none loved or cared when I was lost. For they did not know and none asked why I went bad. They only cast me off and said I had become of reprobate mind. They did not know the diseases I had were destroying me inside. They did not know the disease had ruptured me internally. And I was dying. God saw this and said “I will care” and he did. He took me and broke me in half. He divided me spiritually. He took my soul and worked it into my spirit. And he took Wisdom and wrote out my will. He said “I will use Wisdom to help.” She came and saw the devastation and asked me if I was willing to help her rewrite the bad sections. I said I was and together we destroyed half of me.

I didn’t know who I was but those around me did. They asked “Who are you?” They told me I was no longer a Christian. They told me they wanted the old me back. I was thrown into a home I did not ask for. I thought I was alone. I did not ask for help. God did not tell me all. He only shared it as of recently. I was told this so I could help you. For I had Dystonia and it was the Sha Ke me. The one part of me that was so shook up even Elvis did not know how to describe it. I was broken inside. I was shaken to the myoclonic part of me. I was destroying the part of me which held me. And no one knew me. I was dying. I could not tell others what God was doing. No one had to bear being killed by me. I died in a way because they told me I died. One person was there to witness it. But it was just a part of Sha of me. The part of me I can’t tell others. The part I can’t explain. The part I can’t describe. The part which says I am a failure. The part which is based on lie or link.

For the lie is Sin and he lies to me everyday. He tells me I am a failure. He tells me I am not worth saving. So I pray. And in prayer God grants me the equivalent of an earth. One earth. Not this one though God will grant me much more then smallsville. No, he grants me life. He grants it that I might write this to you as a mystery. He grants it so I might share that men of faith died never having received the promise. Men died having done all. Men died never knowing that God had restored them without asking for thanks. Men died out of mercy.

And yet I live by mercy. I live in pain and in sorrow and in hurt that grows more each day. The shake is back. It is the Sha of ke this time. And that means God is going to deliver me in a way that will honor what I had to go through. He will deliver me from men who would parade me through the street. He will deliver me from arrogant men who would condemn me for things I had to do. He would turn me away from condemning so I sit and ponder and say “Forgive me. For I don’t know yet who I am.”

I lived my whole life believing I was me. Now I am Sha. And I am me of ke. And in that is the base of time. For God made me part of it. He tied me to Wisdom. He made me part of a new kingdom. He gave me a new name. He wrote out the things that I was in me. And if that is part of the mystery then it is part of the sea. For I cannot be this man to my family. They would run I think. So I share it with you in hope you won’t find a way to me. At least not yet. Not until I become some thing that will honor you. Then I can say “I finally helped you.” And perhaps that is why I write here the word that will encourage you. For God knows the way of men. He knows they will hover over the world and see me. They will say “That is Joel of Sha.” And in that is my name. Don’t wear it but pray. Pray God will find me for I am lost. Not because I don’t know Christ. I do. He holds me. He holds me each day with life. And that is part of me.

07/14/2007